When You Know She's Mad

Everything about her says she’s mad. The tone of her voice tells you she’s mad (if she’s speaking to you). The way she’s standing tells you she’s mad. If she's throwing things at you or turns away when you touch her, you know she’s mad at you. When she’s mad, your life is miserable, and the longer it takes you to rectify the situation the worse it’s going to get.

We’re men and we’re fallible. They’re kind, loving, sentimental and forgiving. We’re pigs. We lovie them just the way they are but to them we'll always be a work in progress. We don’t have to understand them, just love them and treat them with respect. Sometimes loving them means that we have to apologize for a real or imagined injury. Forget about whether you were right or wrong. It doesn't matter, and sometimes being right makes things worse. You’re really apologizing because she's sad. And when she’s sad YOU will be miserable especially if you're the reason.

So we’ve provided you with some common screw-ups and ways to make amends for them. Keep in mind though that the best way to fix a problem is to avoid it in the first place. So even if you’re not in the dog house yet, here’s a great list of problems to avoid. Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list of issues and we don't guarantee that they'll work for your particular screw-up. Remember, we are men and there is no limit to the number of ways that we can piss her off.

But Why?

It really helps to have this bit of information. Some women will tell you right from the start what you did that upset them. Some like to extend the torture by not giving you a hint. You could ask, but you’ve tried that before and it usually didn’t work. You got that most infuriating of all answers,’ "If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you". Damn! You just made things worse.

This is not the time to make assumptions or start mentally rolling through all of the possible indiscretions she may have found out about. What ever you do, don’t start apologizing for things she may not know about yet. No point in giving her more reasons to be mad. Start simple, first check the date.

Did You Forget Her Birthday?

Bad move Nimrod. This one is almost too stupid to talk about here. She only has one birthday a year. Find out her birth date and WRITE IT DOWN. The Calendar Is Your Friend! Assuming you have some type of calendar; paper, electronic or written on the walls of your cave (if you truly haven’t discovered technology yet), there’s no reason to ever forget it again. This is bad but it’s fixable.

Is today her birthday? If it’s not evening yet you still have time to save the day, but you have to act fast. Quickly put together a romantic dinner at her favorite restaurant or have it catered at home by a gourmet restaurant (Pizza delivery or Chinese take-out do not count). If there’s still time, get on the phone and order flowers and have them delivered to her at work. If it’s too late for flower delivery beat feet to the nearest florist and buy a dozen roses (more would be an admission of guilt).

Was her birthday yesterday? Worse, but still fixable. Look at the calendar (sorry, we’ve already determined that you don’t know how to use a calendar). Ask someone what day of the week it is (not her, Dummy). There’s a 71% chance that it’s a weekday (don’t try to do the math, take my word for it) and if that’s the case you can still use the solution above. You’re just going to move dinner to the weekend. Of course, since you have more time to plan, it had better be more elaborate. Invite another couple or two and now it’s a surprise party (damn you’re brilliant).

Was it a week ago or longer? Then you’re screwed, or more appropriately not, possibly for several weeks. At this point overkill is what’s called for. First, a sincere apology is in order. Admit that you’re an unfeeling emotionally deprived moron and never really deserved any one as special as she is (it’s probably true, you did forget her birthday). SELL IT. Make her believe that you really mean it and that it will never happen again (show her your new electronic toy with her birthday already entered into it). Now it’s time to make it up to her and the more elaborate and expensive the gift the better. If you can’t console her with chocolates, delight her with diamonds.

Did You Forget An Anniversary?

This one is a little more complicated. It does involve using a calendar for the major events, like your wedding, however women sometimes have a tendency to romanticize events that we may consider trivial. Like your first date or your first kiss or the first time you… OK you can figure out the rest. Remember she still has the corsage from her senior prom pressed in a book and the ticket stub from her first concert with what’s his name.

If it’s your wedding anniversary, see the solutions above for the forgotten birthday. You may also want to add an additional gift depending on how many years you’ve been married. If it’s one of the minor anniversaries (like your first date) then you’re probably not going to figure it out. We don’t understand why they’re so sentimental and they don’t understand why we’re not. If you want to restore harmony then fall on your sword and apologize.

Admit that we as a gender are mindless pigs, inherently stupid and everything we know is wrong. A small sentimental gift will usually suffice in this instance. Roses aren’t necessary, a small bouquet or a heart shaped locket would be better. And Don’t Forget the Card. In each of the above scenarios, a card is still warranted. Write a heart felt message in the card not just "Love Bubba". Tell her how you really feel and how miserable life would be without her. Tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is. Be sincere. It may sound corny but women never tire of hearing it. Let her know that she would be difficult if not impossible to replace (please don’t use these words).

Does This Make My Butt Look Fat?

I don’t believe you fell for this one. The best way to answer this question is to avoid it all together. If you can’t avoid it then a QUICK answer is required. If you take too long to answer, you’re dead. A good response could be something like this: "Sweetheart, you look sexy in anything" or "That dress was made for you". However, if what’s she’s wearing really doesn’t look good, a response like this might work: "I really liked that black dress you wore last week" or "That color doesn’t highlight your eyes like the green dress".

If you do screw up and answer in the affirmative then you need to prove to her that you still think she’s beautiful and sexy. This is one of the few situations where lingerie is a gift for her and not you. Sexy (not sleazy) lingerie might work, along with chocolates or flowers. Whatever you do, don’t buy her a gym membership or a piece of workout equipment.

Did You Have A Night Out With The Boys And "Forget" To Call Again?

If you’re like me you probably didn’t forget to call, you just decided to delay the argument until you got home. Maybe you didn’t want her to know exactly where you and the "boys" were hanging out. Whichever the case, you’d think that as an adult you could spend a little time with your friends without a hassle. Think again Bubba. This is one of the numerous situations where you didn’t actually do anything wrong but she’ll be pissed at you anyway. Guess who’s going to need to apologize to restore harmony? You've got it, you are.

This one is not too hard to fix. Take her to dinner or to a show SHE wants to see or another activity that you’ve been avoiding for a while, like the tour of the Botanical Gardens. This let’s her know that while you still feel the need for male bonding (which any reasonable person would understand) your best quality time is spent with her, no matter what the activity is. And as another reasonable individual, you should understand her need to feel at least as important as the "boys". Remember, she went with you to the Monster Truck Rally and didn’t complain (much).

Did You Spend Too Much Money On That New Toy?

Let’s face it, women are more practical then we are. We complain that she just bought another pair of shoes and we come home with a $50,000 SUV that we just had to have. Buying her presents is not the cure for this one. You just picked up a $600/month payment that wasn’t in the budget, spending more money isn’t going to solve this problem. You are going to have to give up something BIG. You might start with the night out with the boys.

Did She Catch You Eying Another Woman?

This one isn’t as bad as it sounds. You can easily recover from this if you act quickly. The second you know you’ve been caught, make a comment like; "That dress would really look much better on you" or "I wonder how much surgery she’s had". A good rule of thumb is that usually the snider the remark the better. Just make sure your comment fits the situation and always make sure that it shows your wife or girlfriend in a better light. She may not buy it but she’ll usually let you off the hook.

Does She Suspect You’ve Been Out With Another Woman?

If she hasn’t said it aloud but you think she suspects you’ve been with another woman, you probably have. However, it could be perfectly innocent. Find out what she knows or suspects before you do anything. Maybe her girlfriend saw you at a restaurant with another woman. There may be a reasonable explanation, if not, think quick and learn to be more discrete in the future.

If she had any real proof, she would confront you with it. As long as she hasn’t accused you of something, there’s a doubt in her mind. Don’t change your normal behavior or start showering her with gifts; you’ll only convince her that her suspicions were right. Ignore her suspicions until she actually accuses you, then deny it.

Does She Know You’ve Been Out With Another Woman?

How stupid are you? Didn’t I tell you to be discrete? What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas but you live in St. Louis dumb ass. You are now at her mercy. Let’s just hope that she is more forgiving than you are smart. Forgiveness will be on HER terms and she knows it. Prepare yourself for weeks if not months of some very serious groveling as well as solitary sex.

First, whatever (or whoever) she caught you doing STOP IT! Tell her how stupid you were (she already knows, but tell her anyway), tell her how much you love her over and over again, tell her that you’re sorry that your inability to control yourself has caused her so much pain. Beg for forgiveness and cry if you have to (they love it when we’re vulnerable).

Shower her with attention and convince her that it will never happen again and that you’d do anything not to lose her. If she’s your girlfriend, this may be the right time to propose. If she’s your wife, a diamond ring is usually cheaper than a lawyer and if you really want to keep her it may require buying her a Lexus. If she does decide not to leave your miserable ass, it will take a long time for her to trust you again (if ever).

However, if the other woman is her sister, best friend or worst enemy, abandon all hope. You're dead.

##

Robert Matthews is the publisher of The Favorite One, a website designed to help you find the perfect romantic gift for any occasion. Robert has searched the Internet for the best selections of Jewelry, Flowers, Lingerie, Chocolates and other sweets to help you find the perfect gift for your Favorite One.

You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your e-book or on your web site, free of charge, as long as the author bylines are included.